Brought to you by the irrascible libertarian Steve Chapman
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
None. “There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. It has served us honorably. When you say it’s burned out, you’re giving encouragement to the forces of darkness. Once we install a light bulb, we never, ever change it. Real men don’t need artificial light.”
Bringing me to the question–how man Alan Keyes does it take to change a light bulb?
Leave your answers in comments or e-mail them to me at archpundit@yahoo.com
Bumped to encourage more fun. And increase the amount of material I don’t have to work to get.
Just one Alan Keyes.
After listening to him, the bulb will change its dark ways and see the light.
Of course, the biased press will claim that the bulb didn’t change.
Two. One to change the bulb and one to ask someone from Illinois where we keep the lightbulbs.
None. Oil lamps were good enough for the signers of the Declaration of Indepence and they are good enough for Alan Keyes.
None. Alan Keyes will have moved back to Maryland before the lightbulbs need to be changed.
None. The problem in our communities isn’t burnt-out light bulbs, the problem is the darkness in the soul.
Mr. Keyes will address the lightbulb issue at the appropriate time and place.
Bill-yuns and bill-yuns. Because the librul media distorts everything, you can’t see the tremendous amount of support I have for changing this light bulb.
But I’d also take issue with Mr. Chapman’s characterization. This is what the Shrubbery would really say:
“The world changed after 9/11 The terrorists hate us because of our light bulbs. To change this light bulb now would send a mixed message to our troops who are fighting in Iraq right now to bring them more light bulbs in the name of freedom and democracy. We have to stay the course. And it’s hard work, changin’ light bulbs. My opponent will tell you that he wouldn’t change this light bulb unless the global community agreed with him that it needed to be changed. I have personally changed many light bulbs, but this light bulb does not need to be changed right now. When its mission has been fulfilled, then it will be time to change it. Right now we can’t be sending mexed missages to our troops, so we will not be changing this light bulb.”
None because: “Asking me to change a light bulb would be akin to slavery and the slave-holder’s position which I reject.”
None because: “I prefer to remain in the dark about my daughter’s sinful ways.”
None. We should make laws so that letting the light bulb die is illegal. How many light bulbs have to be aborted to prove that abortion is evil?
Twelve. Keyes and his entire base.
Alan Keyes would fastidiously ignore the burnt-out light buld, drinking his cocktail while the room fills with the DARKNESS of it.
[And damn you Daddy Warbucks for usingl the “slaveholder’s position” first!]
Just Keyes and his daughter.
Keyes will lecture about God’s Biblical message that people, including Jesus, don’t need light bulbs. It’s “selfish hedonists” that desire the instant gratification of artificial light.
Meanwhile Maya Keyes will remove the old light bulb and add an outlet adapter when she replaces the bulb so she can plug in her computer and blog about her “quirky” family.
One, provided there is no smelly toad in the corner of the room to distract him.
Alas, we shall never know the answer to the question until the cracked lens of the media has been sufficiently replaced away so as to properly report this story.
One, provided that the bulb is haunted by the possibility of producing light.
Would you listen to yourself? Would you listen to yourself for a minute? How *would* I change this lightbulb? I ask you this: is it the government’s place to say when a light bulb ought to change? I can tell you that my opponent certainly thinks so, but this is totally in keeping with his Socialist values. But the fundamental issue here is a moral one. My opponent bases his views on the corrupt values of Marxist Socialism. I, on the other hand, wish to embrace American values, Christian values, established on a foundation of the principles of freedom granted to us by the Lord our God. The precepts of freedom and the sanctity of moral virtue require that we truly understand the ideas that are really at issue here and to determine what the principled position is. In the beginning the Lord separated lightness from darkness. The light he called day and the darkness, night. This distinction was not established by me. It is not for me to question and to do so is utter foolishness, anyone can see that. Indeed to do so would be to violate the very principles on which this country was founded, the Christian principles of our Declaration. It is not in keeping with the *inalienable* right to liberty as established by our Founding Fathers and it is ridiculous to suggest that it is. It is the slaveholder’s position and any thinking person can see how ludicrous this is. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it, that does not make sense. Now… let me finish. You asked me a question and I think it’s fair that you allow me to answer… That you ask me this question is revealing. I never once spoke of lightbulbs. I never said that. Those are words that you spoke. I never said that. So, I ask you this: Why are you afraid to report the story fully and truthfully? Why do you try to misrepresent and misconstrue my words? You are acting as nothing more than a surrogate of the Democratic Party, supporting the corrupt values of a hard-line socialist Communist. The real issue here is the refusal of the media to recognize the moral basis of this corruption. Have you told the voters that my opponent is an active supporter of genocide? Have you told the people of Illinois how my opponent would have the government interfere with their rights to their own sockets and, in doing so, would have them violate the very bases of Natural law and our nation’s principles of freedom and morality? Such views represent a grave threat to the people of the State of Illinois and I think the voters of Illinois deserve to know who you are speaking for.
Just one: “I must change the lightbulb of my forefathers in order to install the lightbulb of my spirit, of my conscience and my heart …”
None: he’s not even aware of the deficiency as he’s never seen The Light.
None. Thomas Edison was a selfish hedonist who liked to masturbate. Therefore, Alan Keyes cannot touch a lightbulb because it is an instrument of the devil.
One. He tells his daughter that he won’t pay for college unless she changes the lightbulb.
Ooo, Michael spelled “ponent” with an “o”.
Baaaaad. Baaaaad.