State political party looking for candidate to challenge opponent who has money, buzz, Big Mo and torrid friendship with national media.
Age: We’re open-minded, but fussy provision in U.S. Constitution says you must be 30 or older, citizen of U.S. for nine years, resident of Illinois.
Background: In prior relationships, divorce has been a problem.
Values: Family, to a point. Young children a proven deal-breaker.
Looks: Way important back in primary season, but at this stage …
Character: Best to be upfront about any legal entanglements. Sealed court files a turnoff.
Income: Family money wouldn’t hurt. TV time costs money, and we don’t want to spend much.
The perfect date: A day at the beach, a night at Ravinia, tax cuts.
Fave foods: Rubber chicken, State Fair corn dogs, humble pie.
Sense of humor: Not right now, actually. Definitely no kaleidoscope jokes.
A great night out: No club dates. Definitely no club dates.
Religion: Big on devotion to St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes.
Body type: A sucker for mustachioed former coaches from the National Football League.
Medical issues: Allergic to dairy owners.
Fair warning: Party carries heavy baggage from past relationships. Has lost about all there is to lose.
You’re out of the question if you have: Subpoena power.
Secret fear: Can’t handle one more rejection. But it’s only a 100-day date. How bad can it be?
Send photo.
Probably over the fair use level, but it was pretty funny.
ArchPundit