Let Me Assure You

The great thing about campaign season is it brings out favorite memories. Currently there is a heated race between Republicans for the seat once held by Pate Philip. Carole Pankau did not receive an endorsement, and the Trib said about her, ”
Pankau is an energetic campaigner, but her 11-year record in the House is modest.”

This is true, but a little anecdote tells the full degree of the problem with Pankau. Pankau filed HB 0584 during the 90th Legislative Session. The Bill would have eliminated the observance of Daylight Savings Time in Illinois.

Lots of bills are filed and don’t get much attention and this was one of them, until some guys in a softball league heard about it. You see, softball leagues play at night and someone has to pick up the tab for lighting after dark. If daylight savings time was eliminated, costs for softball leagues would skyrocket.

Now we have an issue. The concern goes up the flagpole to the House Democrats who have lots of softball playing constituents. A random legislative analyst gets the bill plopped on his desk and can’t figure out what the hell is going on. So he chats with the softball people and figures out it is a problem. Fair enough–it affects them if it passes, but they don’t for the life of them, know why the bill has made an appearance.

So random legislative analyst calls up the Bill’s sponsor, one Carole Pankau. The following is a paraphrase of the conversation.

RLA: Hello, I’m curious about this bill you’ve sponsored to eliminate daylight savings time. We are getting a lot of flack from softball leagues because of the increased cost to them if it were to pass. Why are you sponsoring the bill?

Pankau: Really, I’m just curious who would oppose it. I don’t know who is for daylight savings time so I thought I’d run this up the flagpole and see what happened.

RLA in his mind: No big deal, Lege members do this sort of stuff when they are bored. It is far from the dumbest question he’s heard lately.

RLA: Okay, so, ummm….well the softball players are against this so we’d really like to maybe take care of it if we could.

Pankau: Well, it’ll work its way through the process.

RLA: Yeah, but see we’d like to see it just go away. Could you withdraw it from consideration since you don’t have a compelling interest in the issue?

Pankau: No, I’d like to see what happens in committee.

RLA: Are you going to push the bill?

Pankau: No, but I want to see who opposes it.

RLA: Well, softball players and parks people are very upset about it.

Pankau: Yes, I understand.

Pankau: Let me assure you that this bill will not change the total number of daylight hours in any given day.

RLA to himself: I’m sure that wasn’t what she meant–just an awkward phrase, right?

RLA: I see your concern, but we’d really like to put this to bed.

Pankau: Let me assure you that this bill will not change the total number of daylight hours in any given day.

RLA: Well….thanks for talking to me. (hangs up phone)

The bill was then killed in a fake committee that never met, but had to be created because she didn’t withdraw the bill

(minor errors might be in the above because it relies on memory, but the money quote is dead on)